The Daily Rantings of a Unicorn

Dear readers,

Please visit www.ppaction.org/ppvotes/advocacy/charles.cook-1316458 to join the million!

You and I know how valuable Planned Parenthood is (who doesn't love the Planned Parenthood?), and now our health care staff are facing more attacks than ever - from the White House to the Supreme Court to state capitols across the nation. Not only am I the manager of this campaign (and it has been keeping me from being around here, or really doing anything fun for that matter) I am also one of One Million Strong and stand alongside one million other new members who want to protect Planned Parenthood and the vital services it provides, and I want you to join me (cause if you don't, really, it's my job!)

Please visit www.ppaction.org/ppvotes/advocacy/charles.cook-1316458 to join the million! All you need to do is sign up to pledge that you are voting for the pro-choice candidate, Barack Obama. If you want to give $$, completely up to you - but you don't have to.

If you aren't pro-choice, aren't voting for Barack, or hate puppies, then I apologize for posting this - but I need all the help I can get at this point! If you do sign up and do like me having a job, you could also send this on to friends, family members, colleagues, tricks, one night stands that you kept e-mails for, etc because that would be of great help to me!

So yeah, sign up if you haven't and please send this on to like minded friends.

Sincerely,

Charlie

So it has come to my attention that I focus on the villains and the "tragic" of Disney stories.  I mean, my favorite Disney character is Ursula.  And I love the parts of the movie where everything seems so down and tragic.  When the villains have gotten a hold of the heroes and all hope seems lost. 

Why?

It is quite simple.  One, I love a good villain.  Villains make movies.  The better the villain, the better the hero.  It is the eternal debate between good and evil - you need the most evil of evil villains to get a good hero. 

Two, the tragedy in a Disney movie is never long lasting.  Heroes ALWAYS win and love always conquers all.  No matter how many anyone resists falling in love (see the Beast, Donald Duck, Esmeralda, Megara, Robert from Enchanted...you get the point), they always do at the end.

That is kinda like me.

I root for the villains because they make the movie and they always lose.

I root for the villains because they try to stop love from happening and it never happens. 

Part of me doesn't want to fall in love.  Part of me doesn't want to be in a relationship.  I don't want to get hurt again like I did before. 

But I know, just like in any Disney movie, that love will eventually get me.  I just gotta find my right Prince.  :-)

Until then....

So sometimes it is fun to walk into a place and have everyone know you.  It can be fun to meet and greet the same familiar faces, talk about familiar subjects, score free drinks, and have a sense of the "elite" as you walk about the bar.  The bartender serves you first, you can talk to the DJ in the booth, and you can twirl through the bar like an "A" list celebrity.

Sometimes, though, you want to be another face.  An unknown identity.  There has been no much drama when I go out lately that it just sounded like a good idea to go somewhere that I have never been.  So three of us went to Remingtons - the DC Gay Country Western Bar.

It was awesome.

I have to say, I really loved it.  The music was country but I like country.  The people were different.  It was fun to go somewhere where none of us knew anyone. 

I know, I sound like some sort of queer celeb wannabe.  But when I go to the same 4 bars all the time, it is nice to get the hell out and not deal with any drama.

For the last month, drama has happened at my main haunts.  I go there and there is just drama drama drama.  Boy drama, alcohol drama, crappy drunk guy chasing me down the street drama....and it isn't fun!  I don't want to have drama on my weekends!  I hate it that my friends think I crave and seek it out when I really don't!  It just kinda happens.  Usually around boys.  When I know I should walk away but because I like boys, I confront it and there is more drama.

Anyways, we went to a different bar and it felt good.  Yeah, some of the people were busted and there was bear porn playing in one of the rooms (shudder) but a cute guy flirted with me, we had fun singing karaoke, and I love seeing country line dancing (I just wish I could do it!!).
Will I go back?  Yup! 

My conversation over text messages with Stefan:

Stefan: Just popped my mani/pedi cherry :-P wootwoot!

Me: LOL Was it everything you expected?

Stefan: Some parts of it were weird and unnatural but everything looks so pretty!

Me: Your first time is always special.

Stefan: It is.  She was very gentle and explained it all to me - but of course there was a little blood.  :-/ Guess that's always the case.

Me: The next time will be much gentler.  It won't hurt at all or feel weird!

Having an Abba moment....

I've seen you twice
In a short time
Only a week since we started
It seems to me
For every time
I'm getting more open-hearted

Your smile and the sound of your voice
And the way you see through me
Got a feeling, you give me no choice
But it means a lot to me
So I wanna know

What's the name of the game?
Does it mean anything to you?
What's the name of the game?
Can you feel it the way I do?
Tell me please
'Cause I have to know
I'm a bashful child
Beginning to grow

And you make me talk
And you make me feel
And you make me show
What I'm trying to conceal
If I trust in you
Would you let me down?
Would you laugh at me
If I said I care for you?
Could you feel the same way too?
I wanna know
What's the name of the game

Yeah, I am ALL emo and shit lately....

I can't sleep.

Yes, I know it's 7:41 in the morning, but I didn't fall asleep until after 4 am.  And I don't have to be at work until noon.  So I have extra time to sleep in and I can't.

My brain won't shut off (stupid brain...I'll stab you with that q-tip again if you don't get in line!) about the events of the past nights.  I am more confused than ever.  My once safe spot, the place where I could go and just hang out, has turned hostile.  The events of the last few nights haunt me.  Like ghosts, they swirl around me, some of them mocking, some of then shouting, some of them yelling, and some of them scaring the shit out of me.

I can relate on how my night ended - me, on R street, having a car drive by shouting "Faggots!" while my friend is in a choke hold by a drunk gay guy who won't take no for an answer.  He pries himself loose and runs to get his car while our other friend proceeds to get mauled.  Car comes, they get in and speed away.  I think this is over and walk to the car I was loaned for the weekend when I hear footsteps behind me.  I glance and the drunk gay is now following me.  I get to my car, lock the door and he starts pounding on the window.  I shake my head "no" (cause this time, the bitch is going to get that No means No) and take off.

My heart is pounding the entire time.  

When did my life turn into such a drama filled entity? 

Now, in all actuality, the guy is not there to hurt us, he was drunk, didn't know that he was hurting us, and just wanted to get laid.  I think he was a visitor to the city.  But I digress.  

The drama ended there, but the tears did not.  

After I got home, I couldn't sleep.  See above for reasons.  And so instead, I cried.  

I think it was a long time coming.  

The events of the past few nights and the weight they crush me with just won out, finally.  I am in a game that I know I will lose.  And I am still playing it because of him.  Because I cannot deny what my brain tells me is wrong.  

My brain screams at me all the time.  I think it is punishing me with insomnia.  

I don't want to have to do what I know I need to do...I can't.  I could do it to Greg.  I could do it to Dan (it just took me 6 months to do it).  I did it to Sean.  I don't know if I can do it to him.  This is why I cried.  It is a hard decision,  but for my own sanity, for my own life, I need to.

Question: What do you do?  What do you do when you love someone, who loves you back, but doesn't want to date you?

Answer: You cry.  

I don't want to hurt him.  I don't think I could ever on purpose.  The thought of hurting someone I love makes me cry.  

Fucking Tiffany....Could've Been just came up on my random playlist.

And I continue to cry.  I let him hurt me, although he doesn't know it hurts me.  How could he not, though?  Am I that good at hiding it or does he not care?  

I just yawned.  My brain is finally letting me sleep.  I think it is pleased with the conclusions of this blog.  It knows something that I haven't figured out.  Maybe it will come to me in a dream. 

It isn't so much that the definition of insanity yet applies to me again, it is that I let him get to me every single time.

It doesn't matter how much I have drunk.  It doesn't matter if there were tequila shots involved.  My heart and brain have a constant fight and my heart (hence, my penis) always wins out. 

But what happens?  Same thing that happens every time...I end up walking to my place alone.

This time, there was an interesting twist when the ex came up to me in the bathroom and said, "You know he loves you, right?" to which I responded, :"Yeah, but he is still in love with you."

Not my greatest comeback...but after a night of tequila shots, it was the best I could muster up. What I should have said was "Yeah, but after the number you pulled on him, it doesn't matter"

Cause after this I point blank asked him (not the ex)  "Do you love x?" to which answer was yes.  Then I followed up with, "Are you in love with x?" to which he said no.

And then there was making out and crotch grabbing.  And then last song.  And then I was dismissed.  Seriously, I was told to go home and he would see me on Sunday at karaoke.

Really, I shouldn't let him stomp all over me like he does.  But I always have fucking hope.

He is my god damn Jeremy.